lazy or crazy?

I can't figure out if my not blogging is laziness or craziness. I do enjoy this blog time but the things I would have said lately might have offended one person or another. I don't really mean any of this in a bad way but blogging in frustration is just askin for trouble. These past few days (totaling a week) have been amazing, crazy, fun, stressful, and irritateting all at once. I just wish I had the liberty of telling you about people i have spent my time with. I need to rebuild this blog habbit for when i work this summer

If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball...

(...cont quote) as so I thought, but you see in life a wrench can be really big or really small. Usually very unexpected, and causes a speed bump, or rut, along the way. They (wrenches) hurt. A Lot. now the ball we are dodging i feel is taking responsibilty for our mistakes and I think they hurt worse sometimes.

To well make the intro make a lil more sense I shall explain my day.

7:45 am prayer walk. today we prayed out loud and it was inspirational and helpful

8 30 am breakfast in room save a meal plan and chill

9 am work project swarm-Serving With the Right Motive- served at an animal shelter doing odd jobs and playing with puppies

12 lunch with Tabitha and a couple people from small group

12 30 girls soccer game

2 30 girls assymbly

3 30 historical tour of hpu

5 30 dinner with small group

7 30 BLOCK PARTY!

9 pm till 12 midnight- hang out with tabitha rob james and a few others for dodgeball and boardgames

in all that between 7 30 and now a hard time between matt and i necause we miss each other and i miss my parents

hearts capacity

My apologies for not blogging in a very long time. Honestly I just didn't want to because no body really fallows it, but truthfully it was more for me to have an easily accessible online journal.

God has done a lot in my life. While in D.C. but even more so now that I am here and have gone through some interesting steps in life.

First God has done so incredibly much. He not only continues to break me of bad habits but continues to form His ways with in me and I am continuously changing for the Lord. He has shown me that in forgiveness you must forget to receive His full mercy and grace. Now every time I mess up or feel discouraged I simply look up and God sends the right praise song to my heart.

Before i tell you of my college experience so far I must share this, I have learned and been shown so much that I could not express to you how much I have been through and how I am continuing to grow. Tonight BSM (Baptist Student Ministry)had a service at Mim's our chapel building and it had to be the best worship I have had in a very very long time. Thank you God!

Now for the college experience...whooooo!

Day 1- move in

That was insanely difficult! Leaving Matt was hard and I cried a lot actually. We have gotten to know each other so well. This past year we decided if we were gonna be serious it would be good to be friends. Good friends. Best friends even. With that being said we have grown really close. And with that said it felt like I moved away from my best friend.

Leaving my parents. That was very strange! Especially after I received a new truck from them the day before I moved. It was sad but exciting. I don't know much of what to say because it is still sinking in. I call mom a lot haha. Well text a lot too. I love talking to Daddy and mom is doing wonderful. I miss my cousins and never realized how much I see them until I left. Everything in the room fits. Yes y'all were right and I do not have to much stuff.

Day 2-Jacket Journey

Jacket Journey is a blast! I love our small group meetings and hanging out meeting new people and learning about the school. My group is insane! Jocks and me lol. Haley would be there if weren't for soccer. We did a ton. To rap it up quickly lol we played a ton of fun games in the heat. These were my first competitive games since I developed reactionary asthma so its not like full blown just not under control. Well I am having a hard time breathing because I lost my back up in hailer.

We had a shaving cream fight and I got completely covered. I couldn't take a pic because well I couldn't even see! I had to rinse off before I was aloud to enter the building.

I miss my family and Matt and his family, but I am having an absolute blast! It feels kinda like camp or work right now because I have had a fun time but still talk to people and had such a fun awesome worship to start things off.

well you are caught up so far. I shall add to it tomorrow and from here on out. Thank you for your patience and receptiveness.

A hearts size should not be judged by the amount it can hold but by how much love and affection it can our unto others and the Lord.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

For the past 2 weeks i have been dealing with a bad lung problem. lets leave it at that. i am beggining to let it control me though and this is not good.

I really don't have much to say, i mean i do but nobody reads it anyway so whats the point.

If i can never dive again in my life i will learn to sail.

times

''I hear you say my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between, the times you doubt me when you can't feel, the times you question "is this for real?", the times you're broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me, and the times that you bend.

My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between, the times you're healing when your heart breaks, the times you feel like you've fallen from grace, the times that you're hurting, and the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal,in times of confusion, chaos, and pain,

I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame, I'm there through the heartache; I'm there in the storm,

My love I will keep by My power alone.

I don't care where you've fallen, where you have been. I'll never fore sake you, my love never ends. It never ends."

God tells us this daily as we screw up, when we are scared to show emotions to some that we love when we freely give it to those we serve, but if we can not serve at home we should not serve elsewhere. I am sorry for how I have acted because when I first came back from serving where I feel lead to serve I did not act as a brat, but I have been compromising my daily devotional standards and not being solely focused on the Lord and Him only the first thing of the day and my actions have shown that. I am getting back to Him as we all do. I seem to do this a lot, but it just shows God's loving heart for not letting me fall to far.

He rebuilds in wondrous ways.

(compliments to the song Times by Tenth Avenue North)

lifejacket

So if you have read my blog you know I am no longer a soccer player and suffering some medical mystery. It is getting worse and I have a good analogy for life.

I teach swim lessons on the side, and i have these 2 precious children that I teach. Well we missed 2 sessions so we started make up classes today and the first thing one of my babies asked was, "May I have my life jacket?'' I replied no you will be ok because I will not let you go. It was a little bit of a test but we got into the pool and class was fantastic, but still after swim lesson and swimming for fun, my little one asked,"May I use my life jacket?''

Now after going through what I am dealing with, I feel myself asking,"May I use my life jacket?" to God. I know He has everything under control, but I am looking for my steadfast security because I don't see or feel it. Because I don't see answers I am longing and reaching out for my "life jacket" security and only God has that. My little swimmer knew that they weren't the best swimmer and that that jacket would save them, keep them afloat, and keep them secure.

God is every Christians life jacket security, suit of armor, and path of truth. He knows right from wrong because He created all and is willing to show us because He loves us.

Grab your "life jacket" and g o swimming because God is watching over you.

best thing ever!

So I got this call from a friend in D.C. who is there to work for the summer...(yes I am slightly jealous because I really wish I had had more time there.)

He is working in the part of the neighborhood in Anacostia inner city that I call home now haha. Well the little girl who attached herself to me and claimed me asked Jesus in her heart! She wrote me a letter and we are corrisponding. This is such a God moment after having to deal with human lungs and the decision about soccer. I have not made anything official yet, but good news is on the way..hopefully. It will be good for some, unfortunate for others. Thoug, back to focus. God is doing great things in that city and I will keep updates of those precious kids!

deep breathe

So deep breathes right? wrong. After an alergic reaction that almost sent me to the hospital, I now am fighting an unknown cause of lungs that won't function. It is the end of soccer competitvely and the begginging of asma. Though thru this God has great plans and lots of mission work. My inhailer and i will be going many places!

your character determines your view and wether or not the truth comes out

-these next words are from my journal and all this is from my heart.

My vision of God is dependent on the condition of my character. My character determines wether or not truth can be revealed to me.

The things the Lord has been showing, teaching, and revealing to me the past week has all started to tie together.
-Stir up one another by prayer and action. non boastful
-"So I may know Him.." Phil 3:10
It is all for Him, being spriritually, vigorous in the right ways
- "Be still and know that I am God Psalms 46:10
My mistakes haunt me, but God is there
-Abandonment:
of self, of others and the relationships I have allowed to come between God and me, and of things.
-Are you buildiong up the body of Christ the church or just focusing on my relationship with God.
-My character determines my vision of God and if truth can be shown to me.

I must let everything go as I did in D.C.
-my mistakes and the things I held onto
God is in control and His hand is ever present in my life.
My character must resemble Christ, and he has blessed me with many qualities. I just must choose to use them fo rHis glory. He has blessed me with a heart full of passion and compassion and He has given me the paths to the ministry field He has choosen for me.

All of this sounds so horribly selfish but I am just letting this all out. I really dislike this whole writing about myself but this has become my journal. I hope to start writing for others becasue this is not glorifying at all, I just hope someone might be able to take even a little from this and learn something about God.

I left out the other half of my journal because it is a deep personal prayer.
"May God grant your heart's desire and fulfill all our plans."Psalms 20:4

Well Then

Well then haha....I need something in my life to happen so that I can still play soccer. I need my body to work with me not against me and I need God to show me His wonderful mercy and bless me. I hate being selfish and I would love to tell you all about the last few days but I can't I really just can't. My gracious Lord has taught me so much and now I juat can't express it all maybe at a later date.

good day

Today was a good day. Woke up and had a good devo.

Hebrews 10:24-26
To stir up other we can not just sit in a corner and pray peace, patience, and guidence. Neither can we just perform good works. We must practice both thru the God's guidence. We must find peace and rest in studying His word and then perform the works He sets before us so that we stir the hearts of others.

My cousin had a wonderful birthday and he is set with tractors for life. God love little boys haha.
Worked on my bike for 3 hours (a mountain bike, not motorcycle...though I wish) and bought a papasan chair for my dorm room which I am chillen in right now..very good life decision. Then practiced guitar, well played and taught myself new songs. Including my favorite, Lead Me by Sanctus Real. Now I am going to invite mom to play wii and pray about what God has for my life and tomorrow with church. God bless my friends and family and all the people of the world. I am going to soak up the good day.
Amen

AAAHHHHH (the good and the bad)

ok so maybe I like this blog thing a lil much but its a relief and so far as I know no one is reading this.

AAAAHHH, the bad. I realized I screwed some things up and I may not have a couple pf friendships that I used to. This blows because they were and always will be friends I totally and completely respect but because I might have pushed to hard and their behavior things just won't be the same. It is a real shame.
2nd bad aaaahhhh! I don't know what to do. I love someone but because of all the time apart and what God is doing in my life I am feeling a huge seperation and hinestly not much problem about it at all. I know that sounds horrible, but my happiness is in the Lord and no one else. He chooses to grace my life with all kinds of people. Some bring me joy and others growth. I don;t know what to do with this person partially because they don't know what to do with the new God loving, fearing, serving, fun no worries living life me. I am letting God and this person decide and if I feel lead to do something I will. til then, prayers. ( Note my devo yesterday and today told me that to serve I must let go of all "strongholds" to people or things, and that serving the Lord is hard)

AAAHHH the excellent! (not just good anymore)
I had a wonderful night with friends whom I haven't spent time with in a long time and it was aaaaaaaaaaaaaaamazing! Thank you! We simply chilled. Played a few video games ate an awesome dinner and chilled. I feel so relaxed. We chatted about everything, and greatly I don't remember a thing because I let it go! NO i was not under the influence. I was simply having a great time with friends and had a chat. Then I came home. It was awesome and I am incredibly relaxed. It is amazing what God will do for someone when they choose to live His way. (go figure)

I finally see that living in His footsteps just to do His will is awesome. Doors open when they need to and close when neccessary. I like to call it just being, because if I allow myself to just be God can work in me and thru me where and when with no reservations and I can just be and likfe tonight relax. LIke in D.C. I grew and worked and found my mission in life and the work place God has choosen to put me in. Like when I go to college and can be free and serve in the inner city (God's mission for me because of the heart He has graced me with, sorry just trying to give it to God and respect it) and play soccer and be and learn.

I see God not only fixing my brokeness but improving it and showing me so much! :) I have no words because anything I could scribble up would not do it justice and probably hinder this. hahaha.

Thanks God for everything and all your little life lessons! (GOD MOMENT!)

Letting Go....again

Do you have even the slightest reliance on anything or anyone other than God? "Joshua said to the people ,' You can not serve the LORD..."
If you have reliance on anything even a slight bit, you can not serve the Lord. Your heaert is not fully open to Him and willing to do anything for Him, therefore He can not use you. BUT.. "The people said to Joshua, 'No but we WILL serve the LORD!" (Joshua 24:19-21)
The people deliberately told Joshua and the Lord that their hearts were open. They had let go of everything and everyone so that they could serve the Lord.

God wants to use the feeble and the weak because it allows His glory to show through. If we (well I) hold on to things such as my deep desire to go back to Washington D.C. or relatonships with friends, especially after a worn out welcome, or trying to fix everything, my heart is not ready to serve because I would be reserved in service, because no matter how hard I can try I am human and would think of these things. I would feel "stronger, in control, or needed/needing". By letting go of these things I become God's image and do not find myself in these things. I would be weak and my full identity is within the Lord and where He leads.

I don't want to end up just throwing myself into a ctiy or church because I know there are options. I want God to open doors and there to be prayer adn a calling and a lead.

I have been blessed with a heart for the homeless and a giant heart for children. Especially for those whom have to live below the poverty line and have bad home lifes or just need love.

I feel the opportunity of bein a host thru CSM in D.C. next summer. God has control though and it is in His hands so now the process is waiting and praying.

No Words yet So Many

I feel the neccessity to start today's blog with an appology to those, especially a certain few who know who they are, that I have either stressed out or exhausted emotionally and spiritually to the point of annoyance. I am greatly sorry and hope that friendships can be mended.

Now for a better recap of today.
I began my day after a horrible night of hardly any sleep with a devotional. " choose for yourself whom this day you shall serve.." The day before the verse basically said Christ is a hard path to fallow and doing right is difficult. So that's when I started to pray about the right thing to do about 3 specific relationships or begining of friendships in my life. Throughought the day God has led me to this...
I have overly stressed not only a dear friend but a close relationship and both are on the frayed edges.
I have also worn out my welcome with another because I don't know when to shut up. I have probably also offened this person thru bugging into their life and well it seems as though I have coppied them or tried to be like them. Which is not the case. I am simply inspired. The truth is these people will probably never read this, though is a little hurtful, it is a growing experience in Christ.
To cap off this section of the word vomet I'm gonna ask forgiveness and a fresh start.

Today as you saw earlier I went and had my tattoo touched up and it is so cool. It gets better! So a friend of mine saw this on facebook and commented that it led her to open her bible! how cool so this tattoo is a starter of many things! We will see where this goes haha.

I was in san antonio with my totally cool mom. We are getting things off to a great new start since I have been back from my trip. We got a lot of things for my college dorm room, got some cute clothes on sale for school, and made dinner together. Then we watched a movie, and now I'm chillen.

I have learned a lot today and can't wait for tomorrow. I am going to check out a new church in our inner city and go over to a friends house.

God bless all.
-xo KB

New tattoo

The rest of the days blog is to come later today but here is the new and improved tattoo...

http://46-10-blair.tumblr.com was my old site and now all posts are thru this site thank you